All this time I've been fretting the loss of my career and identity. I've worried about money and our limits on attaining stuff. I've been completely focused on what these changes have 'cost' us as a family. I often times intermix how good these changes are for our kids - but never for me. I've looked at this as a net loss for me.
But...,
I get to spend this irreplaceable time with my kids. A time when Dave and I are the moon and the stars to them. The girls and I go on daily adventures. We go to the Zoo or the Wild Animal Park, Balboa Park or the Beach, Museums or playgrounds, we make play dough cookies or paint or glue baubles to colored paper to create artistic treasures, we go to an international preschool twice weekly (http://www.theirc.org), we visit grandma or have play dates with friends.
I don't have to get up in a rush, dressing my girls in a hurry as I throw a breakfast together and run off to drop the girls at day care and fight traffic to get to work.
No - I wake up slow (OK, slower than I'd like to admit really) enjoy a little alone time to shower and dress while the girls have a little morning TV. We then have breakfast together before heading off for our morning adventure. We're usually home for lunch and then nap time.
I'm blessed with two little girls who aren't prone to temper tantrums or constant sibling bickering so are days are pretty happy and easy.
My girls are happy. My husband is happy. And, surprise, I'm happy too.
I've realized I am the lucky one - WE are the lucky ones. We're happy. We have love and comfort and security and while more money might make give us a little more breathing room - the cost of making that money (me working full time, away from my kids) would represent too great a price for our family.
Tuesday, May 30
Monday, May 22
Words to Live By....,
"Values are the shield that you carry with you throughout life and it protects you from whatever life throws at you."
-- Her Majesty Queen Rania Al-Abdullah
"I want my children to feel like they are global citizens, to really have an understanding of the world at large. Because once you feel that others are like you then you want for others what you want for yourself and that way you start helping others. When you solve someone else‚s problem you solve a problem for yourself because our world is so interconnected."
-- Her Majesty Queen Rania Al-Abdullah
"To whom much is given much is expected."
-- Unknown
-- Her Majesty Queen Rania Al-Abdullah
"I want my children to feel like they are global citizens, to really have an understanding of the world at large. Because once you feel that others are like you then you want for others what you want for yourself and that way you start helping others. When you solve someone else‚s problem you solve a problem for yourself because our world is so interconnected."
-- Her Majesty Queen Rania Al-Abdullah
"To whom much is given much is expected."
-- Unknown
Thursday, May 11
Poop on Parade....,
Sitting at Kidsville with Ron, Alec's Dad, we were talking about the kids while we watched them play. Alex alerted the large warehouse sized room that she had to go potty. 'Poopy' to be specific & she was going to go by herself! Well, I could not have been more proud.
"I can't believe how grown up she is. Just three and she can take care of business. How cool is that!" I beamed at Ron.
"Yeah, that's great. Alec (who is 5 months older) isn't anywhere near that stage," he replied.
And, as I continued beaming about my daughter, we chatted about Alex and her apparent advanced potty training & verbal skills for the next few minutes until we were interrupted by our subject.
"MOMMY! MOMMY!" Alex yelled excitedly from the restroom door, where she was now standing with her shorts and panties around her ankles. "Mommy come here!! You have to see this - I made a REALLY big POOP!! Come see!"
A bit more sheepishly then before I stood up to go 'see' my daughter's latest great accomplishment as my friend said with a grin, "We tend to celebrate other things in our house."
"I can't believe how grown up she is. Just three and she can take care of business. How cool is that!" I beamed at Ron.
"Yeah, that's great. Alec (who is 5 months older) isn't anywhere near that stage," he replied.
And, as I continued beaming about my daughter, we chatted about Alex and her apparent advanced potty training & verbal skills for the next few minutes until we were interrupted by our subject.
"MOMMY! MOMMY!" Alex yelled excitedly from the restroom door, where she was now standing with her shorts and panties around her ankles. "Mommy come here!! You have to see this - I made a REALLY big POOP!! Come see!"
A bit more sheepishly then before I stood up to go 'see' my daughter's latest great accomplishment as my friend said with a grin, "We tend to celebrate other things in our house."
Wednesday, April 5
Husband Chronicles
As my level of burn out progressed toward the brink, Dave saw the impending crash and did his best to to reign in the emotional wave. We struggled at first with my poorly conveyed worries about money, our future, the cost of living increases, our possible decrease in living standard, etc. Once we got by the issue of 'keeping up with the jones' we moved on to more productive discussions.
Monday, March 20
Woman
It's not about being a school psychologist or a teacher or a public relations professional. It's about finding something that I want to do that offers the pay and schedule that will enable me to do what I want to do outside of work. Something that gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride that doesn't consume me, my time or energy. It should be important but not all consuming.
Balance. So cliche. But I think its really worth striving for.
My other problem is that I want the big house w/ the nice yard. For that I'll have to go back to work full time and put the kids in day care.
My other problem is that I don't want to be my mother. And I have a question about my mom - why wasn't she involved with more school stuff? She worked as an aide at a local elementary school. Anyway - I don't want to be my mom. A bitter housewife. A bitter dependent, unhappy housewife and not the mother that I want for my own children.
So what do I want and where am I willing to compromise? hmmm. And does Dave give a crap? He doesn't even realize that we actually NEED more money. Life is getting more expensive at a pace faster than his income is increasing. I've said it several times, if we needed a new car today we would be in some serious financial hurt! More scary still - we're spending pretty close, sometimes more, than we take in every month. Dave puts the off to all the work that we've done on the house. But I think he'd be surprised at how much is going to just our daily living. I don't think we live extravegantly and don't really want to cut out more than I've cut already.
I color my own hair.
I don't eat lunch out more than once a week
I wait far too long between haircuts
I put off buying clothes until I NEED something and sometimes longer (i.e. shoes)
and apparently my birthday.
It just occured to me that I really am still upset about my birthday and valentines day. Make that 2 birthdays. Dave knows how much I love B-days and he did nothing 2 years in a row. The second year he blew it off saying that he was planning something big for Valentines Day and then he gave me cheap sleazy crap. Nothing even sweet and romantic. When I brought it up to him and expressed my hurt, he promised that he'd make it up to me - but nope. It's been six weeks and nada.
He is sleeping on the couch tonight. Why? Because when I started the conversation about me feeling burned out and trapped he decided that he needed to go shopping. Later I made a comment to open the conversation again and he chose to continue watching and not engage. I feel like I'm facing a crossroad and huge thing for me and that our family has a financial issue that needs to be addressed at the same time. The implications of this decision will affect our whole family and he can't be bothered to engage.
He can't be bothered by much around here and it gets less all the time. Could be my moodiness. Probably not helping - but his increasing detachment isn't either. Missing my Birthday 2 years running SUCKS! Doesn't show much appreciation.
God I've given up so much. My career and my independence. I've got 2 great kids - I throw that in here because I feel guilty even acknowledging things that I've given up or sacrificed anything.
So. I also need to make sure that I'm in a position to be independent if need be.
Balance. So cliche. But I think its really worth striving for.
My other problem is that I want the big house w/ the nice yard. For that I'll have to go back to work full time and put the kids in day care.
My other problem is that I don't want to be my mother. And I have a question about my mom - why wasn't she involved with more school stuff? She worked as an aide at a local elementary school. Anyway - I don't want to be my mom. A bitter housewife. A bitter dependent, unhappy housewife and not the mother that I want for my own children.
So what do I want and where am I willing to compromise? hmmm. And does Dave give a crap? He doesn't even realize that we actually NEED more money. Life is getting more expensive at a pace faster than his income is increasing. I've said it several times, if we needed a new car today we would be in some serious financial hurt! More scary still - we're spending pretty close, sometimes more, than we take in every month. Dave puts the off to all the work that we've done on the house. But I think he'd be surprised at how much is going to just our daily living. I don't think we live extravegantly and don't really want to cut out more than I've cut already.
I color my own hair.
I don't eat lunch out more than once a week
I wait far too long between haircuts
I put off buying clothes until I NEED something and sometimes longer (i.e. shoes)
and apparently my birthday.
It just occured to me that I really am still upset about my birthday and valentines day. Make that 2 birthdays. Dave knows how much I love B-days and he did nothing 2 years in a row. The second year he blew it off saying that he was planning something big for Valentines Day and then he gave me cheap sleazy crap. Nothing even sweet and romantic. When I brought it up to him and expressed my hurt, he promised that he'd make it up to me - but nope. It's been six weeks and nada.
He is sleeping on the couch tonight. Why? Because when I started the conversation about me feeling burned out and trapped he decided that he needed to go shopping. Later I made a comment to open the conversation again and he chose to continue watching and not engage. I feel like I'm facing a crossroad and huge thing for me and that our family has a financial issue that needs to be addressed at the same time. The implications of this decision will affect our whole family and he can't be bothered to engage.
He can't be bothered by much around here and it gets less all the time. Could be my moodiness. Probably not helping - but his increasing detachment isn't either. Missing my Birthday 2 years running SUCKS! Doesn't show much appreciation.
God I've given up so much. My career and my independence. I've got 2 great kids - I throw that in here because I feel guilty even acknowledging things that I've given up or sacrificed anything.
So. I also need to make sure that I'm in a position to be independent if need be.
Monday, March 13
Precious Moments....,
One of the wonderful moments of motherhood is soothing my babies when they are sick or hurt and helping take the pain away. Tonight was one of those times. Rachel, sick with a cold and a fever, cuddled deep into my arms (was she actually trying to get back into the womb?). Finally she settled down, let out a tremendous sigh and fell asleep as I rocked her. It was an incredible moment of closeness with her. I actually cried - a bit overwhelmed with my love for my girls.
After holding Rachel until my arm went numb I finally put her in the crib and went in to check on Alex. She half awoke from what seemed to be a very deep sleep. She looked up at me as I tucked her in and, with droopy little sleep-filled eyes quitely said, "Mommy, I love you." And just as quickly, she was sound asleep again.
Curous George
The day Alex found the worm
After holding Rachel until my arm went numb I finally put her in the crib and went in to check on Alex. She half awoke from what seemed to be a very deep sleep. She looked up at me as I tucked her in and, with droopy little sleep-filled eyes quitely said, "Mommy, I love you." And just as quickly, she was sound asleep again.
Curous George
The day Alex found the worm
Monday, March 6
Melt Down - It's a Contest
Who will melt down more quickly? Mom or the three year-old?
Today is one of those days. A day that is filled with unceasing "I want....," fussing, whining, demanding, etc., etc. A day I contemplate duck tape :-).
Screaming from another room "MMMMOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!" Banging on the door of the office - where I've gone to hide and have my own time out before duck taping her to the wall - "MOMMMY! MY DRRIIINNK!! I WANT MY DRRIINNNKK!!!" BANG, BANG.
My pulse/blood pressure/adrenaline has increased with each subsequent demand. Ad the adult in this equation, I know its my responsibility to remain calm but on days like these, at times like this calm sounds like a tall order.
Sigh.
It has quieted down out there - I should probably go and check what's going on.
Today is one of those days. A day that is filled with unceasing "I want....," fussing, whining, demanding, etc., etc. A day I contemplate duck tape :-).
Screaming from another room "MMMMOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!" Banging on the door of the office - where I've gone to hide and have my own time out before duck taping her to the wall - "MOMMMY! MY DRRIIINNK!! I WANT MY DRRIINNNKK!!!" BANG, BANG.
My pulse/blood pressure/adrenaline has increased with each subsequent demand. Ad the adult in this equation, I know its my responsibility to remain calm but on days like these, at times like this calm sounds like a tall order.
Sigh.
It has quieted down out there - I should probably go and check what's going on.
Monday, February 27
An excerpt....,
"She breathes and coos and folds herself into the warmth of breast and abdomen and I stroke her back. I nuzzle her downy head. I smell myself and her -- sweat, milk, sweet baby musk. There is Daddy, and there is sister, and soon there will be a whole wide world. But in the early morning dark it is just us -- I am only her mother and she is only my child, and as I gently brush my lips across her downy head I offer blessing and sanctification. May my kisses be with you always, may the peace of this moment sustain you for a lifetime, may any danger in your path come down mine instead. May this moment exist in your soul and your flesh for all eternity so that you will always know I am your mother and I am with you no matter where you are."
From a great blog called: Motherhood is not for wimps.
From a great blog called: Motherhood is not for wimps.
Friday, February 24
Kidlet Quips
********
In the rest room with Alex. She is excited because its a short little potty that she can get onto herself. Once she's done and its my turn I start to sit down and she becomes alarmed saying, "Mommy! No! Don't sit down on that - your bum won't fit!"
********
Driving down the freeway: "Mommy! Mommy! I saw a bird (digger or INSERT ANYTHING HERE)!!" Alex exclaims from the the safety of her car seat. "Back up so I can see it! Mommy backup!"
********
In the rest room with Alex. She is excited because its a short little potty that she can get onto herself. Once she's done and its my turn I start to sit down and she becomes alarmed saying, "Mommy! No! Don't sit down on that - your bum won't fit!"
********
Driving down the freeway: "Mommy! Mommy! I saw a bird (digger or INSERT ANYTHING HERE)!!" Alex exclaims from the the safety of her car seat. "Back up so I can see it! Mommy backup!"
********
Time Escapes Me
Where does the time go.
Blogging is the 'in' thing at the moment and I follow a few (primarily mom-centric blogs) and I'm sometimes amazed at the quality and quantity of the posts. With two little ones in the house where do you blogging moms find the time. And when you do find the time where do you find the brain power?
Blogging is the 'in' thing at the moment and I follow a few (primarily mom-centric blogs) and I'm sometimes amazed at the quality and quantity of the posts. With two little ones in the house where do you blogging moms find the time. And when you do find the time where do you find the brain power?
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