Monday, March 20


It's not about being a school psychologist or a teacher or a public relations professional. It's about finding something that I want to do that offers the pay and schedule that will enable me to do what I want to do outside of work. Something that gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride that doesn't consume me, my time or energy. It should be important but not all consuming.

Balance. So cliche. But I think its really worth striving for.

My other problem is that I want the big house w/ the nice yard. For that I'll have to go back to work full time and put the kids in day care.

My other problem is that I don't want to be my mother. And I have a question about my mom - why wasn't she involved with more school stuff? She worked as an aide at a local elementary school. Anyway - I don't want to be my mom. A bitter housewife. A bitter dependent, unhappy housewife and not the mother that I want for my own children.

So what do I want and where am I willing to compromise? hmmm. And does Dave give a crap? He doesn't even realize that we actually NEED more money. Life is getting more expensive at a pace faster than his income is increasing. I've said it several times, if we needed a new car today we would be in some serious financial hurt! More scary still - we're spending pretty close, sometimes more, than we take in every month. Dave puts the off to all the work that we've done on the house. But I think he'd be surprised at how much is going to just our daily living. I don't think we live extravegantly and don't really want to cut out more than I've cut already.

I color my own hair.
I don't eat lunch out more than once a week
I wait far too long between haircuts
I put off buying clothes until I NEED something and sometimes longer (i.e. shoes)
and apparently my birthday.

It just occured to me that I really am still upset about my birthday and valentines day. Make that 2 birthdays. Dave knows how much I love B-days and he did nothing 2 years in a row. The second year he blew it off saying that he was planning something big for Valentines Day and then he gave me cheap sleazy crap. Nothing even sweet and romantic. When I brought it up to him and expressed my hurt, he promised that he'd make it up to me - but nope. It's been six weeks and nada.

He is sleeping on the couch tonight. Why? Because when I started the conversation about me feeling burned out and trapped he decided that he needed to go shopping. Later I made a comment to open the conversation again and he chose to continue watching and not engage. I feel like I'm facing a crossroad and huge thing for me and that our family has a financial issue that needs to be addressed at the same time. The implications of this decision will affect our whole family and he can't be bothered to engage.

He can't be bothered by much around here and it gets less all the time. Could be my moodiness. Probably not helping - but his increasing detachment isn't either. Missing my Birthday 2 years running SUCKS! Doesn't show much appreciation.

God I've given up so much. My career and my independence. I've got 2 great kids - I throw that in here because I feel guilty even acknowledging things that I've given up or sacrificed anything.

So. I also need to make sure that I'm in a position to be independent if need be.

Monday, March 13

Precious Moments....,

One of the wonderful moments of motherhood is soothing my babies when they are sick or hurt and helping take the pain away. Tonight was one of those times. Rachel, sick with a cold and a fever, cuddled deep into my arms (was she actually trying to get back into the womb?). Finally she settled down, let out a tremendous sigh and fell asleep as I rocked her. It was an incredible moment of closeness with her. I actually cried - a bit overwhelmed with my love for my girls.

After holding Rachel until my arm went numb I finally put her in the crib and went in to check on Alex. She half awoke from what seemed to be a very deep sleep. She looked up at me as I tucked her in and, with droopy little sleep-filled eyes quitely said, "Mommy, I love you." And just as quickly, she was sound asleep again.

Curous George
The day Alex found the worm

Monday, March 6

Melt Down - It's a Contest

Who will melt down more quickly? Mom or the three year-old?

Today is one of those days. A day that is filled with unceasing "I want....," fussing, whining, demanding, etc., etc. A day I contemplate duck tape :-).

Screaming from another room "MMMMOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!" Banging on the door of the office - where I've gone to hide and have my own time out before duck taping her to the wall - "MOMMMY! MY DRRIIINNK!! I WANT MY DRRIINNNKK!!!" BANG, BANG.

My pulse/blood pressure/adrenaline has increased with each subsequent demand. Ad the adult in this equation, I know its my responsibility to remain calm but on days like these, at times like this calm sounds like a tall order.


It has quieted down out there - I should probably go and check what's going on.