Friday, January 26

People say "You'll Know"

‘They’ say you'll know when you're done having kids. But I didn't. I didn't have some sudden revelation that two was enough. Nothing like the feeling of KNOWING with every fiber of my being that we wanted children. Knowing, feeling and wanting children strongly enough to seek extensive, cutting-edge fertility treatments at the cost of a year's salary to make it happen.

No. I didn't just know. In fact, if I could, if we were younger I think we would have had another. We vacillated on the topic for literally years. But, as time passed, both Dave and I came to love the dynamics of our existing family. Just the four of us, oh yes, and the dog. Another child would certainly rock the boat and change the dynamic in some unknowable way.

And then there was the thought of 'starting over.' The endless sleep deprived days all melting into one long night into one long day - no sllleeeeppp. (OH GOD how I needed sleep.) That piece was the hardest for me.

The pregnancies, even with the variety of scares that they presented, were both wonderful. The babies moving inside of me - first just feeling them move and later watching them roll over and stretch - was the most amazing thing of my entire life. Nothing will ever top that physical experience. For me it was an indescribable awe.

Even the births were relatively easy. (shh! Don't tell the girls any of this. I won't be able to hold the guilt over their pretty little heads later in life.)

It's when I think of the wonder of the pregnancies and the experience of the births that I once again begin to vacillate. I would love to experience that again. But it's the follow-up that kills me. It's those early days/weeks/months that slam a mother right between the eyes. (Wow - I am not a pretty person or even a very nice one without sleep!!) If I could somehow figure out a way to have a third and survive that early phase....,

But. No. Enduring the fertility treatments, shots, doctors visits, exams and possible heartache again...

We have two incredible little girls. At 38 I had Alexandra Lauren, a medical miracle with the help of an egg donor (OH so infertile me). At 39, we had another miracle, this time God stepped in directly, and Rachel was conceived naturally. And, while we think about having more – I think we’ve been blessed more than we could have ever hoped. But if I could, if we were younger...


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