**
Rachel's first joke...,
"Momma?"
"Yes, hun?"
"Why did the TV cross the road?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"Because it wanted to be a flat screen!"
BWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!!
**
Monday, June 14
Friday, June 11
Thursday, June 10
Another chapter...,
**
Still Woman, Wife, Mom, but combining all the life that I want to live with my husband, children and friends doesn't really leave much time for a full scale, traditional career. Or so I've learned these past three years. So, here I go, once again into an unknown landscape. This time as an aspiring photographer, full time WWM, and fulfillment seeker.
I'm in this great place - free to pursue my love of photography and available to be present in my daily relationships outside of an office. It's such a great gift. The gift of time, and the freedom to to what *I* want to with it.
As we head off to Boulder, I imagine trying on several different hats before I find one that's feels almost molded for my head. One that fits snugly enough as to not be blown off w/ a strong wind, but not so tight that it pinches by head. The perfect hat, snug and warm on cool days, cool on hot days. One that I can take off from time to time, and, after a long-ish absence, it will fit just as perfectly as the day I took it off.
The beauty is, there is no rush. I'm going to resist the urge to immediately find my path and settle in. I'm going to take my time and enjoy each day-remembering to be present and in the moment.
I imagine trying to cook, volunteering in the kids school, volunteering with people in need, using my photography in a charitable way, studying photography and light, trying my hand at meditation, trying my hand in the kitchen, mucking stalls and spending time with horses, and so much more.....,
I'm open to all possibilities. I'm excited and apprehensive about leaving the safety of the prescribed life. Uprooting the family, away from the land of the sun to snowy Colorado..., It's ALL new - except for the most important constants in my life - Dave, Rachel and Alex.
**
Still Woman, Wife, Mom, but combining all the life that I want to live with my husband, children and friends doesn't really leave much time for a full scale, traditional career. Or so I've learned these past three years. So, here I go, once again into an unknown landscape. This time as an aspiring photographer, full time WWM, and fulfillment seeker.
I'm in this great place - free to pursue my love of photography and available to be present in my daily relationships outside of an office. It's such a great gift. The gift of time, and the freedom to to what *I* want to with it.
As we head off to Boulder, I imagine trying on several different hats before I find one that's feels almost molded for my head. One that fits snugly enough as to not be blown off w/ a strong wind, but not so tight that it pinches by head. The perfect hat, snug and warm on cool days, cool on hot days. One that I can take off from time to time, and, after a long-ish absence, it will fit just as perfectly as the day I took it off.
The beauty is, there is no rush. I'm going to resist the urge to immediately find my path and settle in. I'm going to take my time and enjoy each day-remembering to be present and in the moment.
I imagine trying to cook, volunteering in the kids school, volunteering with people in need, using my photography in a charitable way, studying photography and light, trying my hand at meditation, trying my hand in the kitchen, mucking stalls and spending time with horses, and so much more.....,
I'm open to all possibilities. I'm excited and apprehensive about leaving the safety of the prescribed life. Uprooting the family, away from the land of the sun to snowy Colorado..., It's ALL new - except for the most important constants in my life - Dave, Rachel and Alex.
**
Tuesday, June 8
struggles
**
Maybe I'm alone in this - but I can't seem to come to grips with the fact that my friend is a husband stealer and that my other friend is the husband she has stolen. Yes, they are both culpable - but somehow she is more the guilty party. Her marriage was already over, and his had hit a rough spot - though not necessarily fatal, until the affair that is.
Hmmm. Why has this upset me so? I think it's because it seems that all around me marriages are crumbling. As often as not because of cheating - but for other reasons too. Noted that people in good marriages don't typically cheat - but the cheating quickly douses most if not all hopes of saving the marriage.
Are all marriages doomed to suffer this fate - and if so, why does anyone get married? How can I insulate my own marriage from this fate?
I think that's the crux of my emotional reaction. That I too will someday find myself facing this gut-wrenching pain. A pain that I don't think De Anna is feeling. She has by-passed the pain by having an affair - grabbing someone else's husband to hang onto - one that will cushion the blow.
It's unforgiveable.
Maybe I'm alone in this - but I can't seem to come to grips with the fact that my friend is a husband stealer and that my other friend is the husband she has stolen. Yes, they are both culpable - but somehow she is more the guilty party. Her marriage was already over, and his had hit a rough spot - though not necessarily fatal, until the affair that is.
Hmmm. Why has this upset me so? I think it's because it seems that all around me marriages are crumbling. As often as not because of cheating - but for other reasons too. Noted that people in good marriages don't typically cheat - but the cheating quickly douses most if not all hopes of saving the marriage.
Are all marriages doomed to suffer this fate - and if so, why does anyone get married? How can I insulate my own marriage from this fate?
I think that's the crux of my emotional reaction. That I too will someday find myself facing this gut-wrenching pain. A pain that I don't think De Anna is feeling. She has by-passed the pain by having an affair - grabbing someone else's husband to hang onto - one that will cushion the blow.
It's unforgiveable.
Days go by...,
**
We're just a few days away from Rachel's surgery. The stress and worry that I've anticipated for years hasn't hit. I'm interested in the ease at which we're pursuing this course of action. I'm fascinated by my own lack of fear and fret. We've put her in the best possible hands and couldn't have done better for her. I believe this will go well and we have tremendous support.
Somewhere down there is the fear - but I'm working hard not to give energy and power to that little echo in the distance.
**
We're just a few days away from Rachel's surgery. The stress and worry that I've anticipated for years hasn't hit. I'm interested in the ease at which we're pursuing this course of action. I'm fascinated by my own lack of fear and fret. We've put her in the best possible hands and couldn't have done better for her. I believe this will go well and we have tremendous support.
Somewhere down there is the fear - but I'm working hard not to give energy and power to that little echo in the distance.
**
Saturday, May 29
Just two months...,
**
Will be landing August 1 to start our new adventure!! Can hardly believe it's happening. I keep looking around me at all the beauty that is San Diego, knowing that it's going to break my heart to leave. It's a bitter sweet excitement for our future...,
**
Will be landing August 1 to start our new adventure!! Can hardly believe it's happening. I keep looking around me at all the beauty that is San Diego, knowing that it's going to break my heart to leave. It's a bitter sweet excitement for our future...,
**
Saturday, May 22
Growing up, and letting them do the same
**
I've come to the realization that it's really not possible to escape this life, childhood in particular, with out angst, worry, fear and pain. All the flip sides of the wonders of elation, joy, anticipation, and love.
As adults, we can all look back at our childhoods and identify sources of pain, cling to the anger or hurt caused by those who let us down, those who loved us and, simultaneously, hurt us. It's a fairly pointless exercise - except to maybe learn how to insulate ourselves from the pain/angst and open ourselves to the joy and love.
This goes for my kids too. I'm sure they'll be times when I/we inadvertently let them down—in reality or perception, though it may not matter which. I know others will as well, but on balance I hope they find (are finding) more joy, elation, anticipation and love..., and hope.
Part of me wishes that I could script it for them, protecting them from all the bad stuff, but I know it's a matter of degrees and part of the journey. I can do my best to protect them and arm them—blunting the worst of the blows—but I don't want to rob them of any of it.
Balance. Seems everything is a matter of balance. Balance and perception...,
Hope we get it right, or close enough. Not perfect, but close enough.
**
I've come to the realization that it's really not possible to escape this life, childhood in particular, with out angst, worry, fear and pain. All the flip sides of the wonders of elation, joy, anticipation, and love.
As adults, we can all look back at our childhoods and identify sources of pain, cling to the anger or hurt caused by those who let us down, those who loved us and, simultaneously, hurt us. It's a fairly pointless exercise - except to maybe learn how to insulate ourselves from the pain/angst and open ourselves to the joy and love.
This goes for my kids too. I'm sure they'll be times when I/we inadvertently let them down—in reality or perception, though it may not matter which. I know others will as well, but on balance I hope they find (are finding) more joy, elation, anticipation and love..., and hope.
Part of me wishes that I could script it for them, protecting them from all the bad stuff, but I know it's a matter of degrees and part of the journey. I can do my best to protect them and arm them—blunting the worst of the blows—but I don't want to rob them of any of it.
Balance. Seems everything is a matter of balance. Balance and perception...,
Hope we get it right, or close enough. Not perfect, but close enough.
**
Wednesday, May 19
Monday, May 17
Moving forward
**
Changes. They are a happening. We are making the move. Leaving my beloved sunny San Diego for the snow capped mountains of Boulder, Colorado.
Once again I'll be facing the question of where I fit in the world. Somehow that question seems tougher to answer when I'm not working outside the house. I know, I know - I'm a mom. I'm clear on this - it's the other demensions of me that get blurry.
This time though, I'm hoping it's a little different. Better. I'll hopefully be doing a little freelance writing. I'll be starting my photography business (which all by itself - could prove daunting), volunteering at the girls' school, getting involved in the local community, making new friends, and learning to ski.
Fingers crossed - I'm readying for our next adventure.
**
Changes. They are a happening. We are making the move. Leaving my beloved sunny San Diego for the snow capped mountains of Boulder, Colorado.
Once again I'll be facing the question of where I fit in the world. Somehow that question seems tougher to answer when I'm not working outside the house. I know, I know - I'm a mom. I'm clear on this - it's the other demensions of me that get blurry.
This time though, I'm hoping it's a little different. Better. I'll hopefully be doing a little freelance writing. I'll be starting my photography business (which all by itself - could prove daunting), volunteering at the girls' school, getting involved in the local community, making new friends, and learning to ski.
Fingers crossed - I'm readying for our next adventure.
**
Monday, May 10
Mothers Day - It doesn't get any better
**
I planned a simple day with my girls. Movies and lunch with a friend and her daughter. Dave is out of town so I didn't expect anythng special, but Rachel and Alex had different plans.
7 a.m. Knock, knock softly at my door.
"Mommy," Rachel says in her sweet little voice. When she says I'm waking up, she giggles and squeals, "Close your eyes!"
"Close your eyes, Mommy," Alex echoes.
"Ok. Ok!"
"Are they closed?" in unison.
"Yes"
A moment passes, and then whispers and giggles.
"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!"
And I opened my eyes to find the two cutest girls ever carrying in my breakfast. "It's for you!! It's BREAKFAST IN BED!!" Alex is beaming!!
"Your life long dream!!" Rachel chirps.
Bringing mommy Mother's Day Bed the girls are soooo happy. It's a priceles moment.
OH MY GOD - They ae sooo adorable and they did ths all for me. All on their own - together. I could have burst with happiness, love and pride. These are two great kids!
On the tray was a plate with one of Daddy's famous pancakes (heated in the microwave) a chunk of peanut brittle, three gummy fish a huge tumbler cup full of orange juice, handmade cards and notes, and Rachel even drew a portrait of me.
After I complied with their requests to "EAT! Mommy! EAT!" and answered over and over that, yes, I do like it, the negotations began.
"Mommy, we brought you three gummies and there are three of us. And we brought one in your favorite colors - red. Can WE have the other two?" So - we all ate the gummies together...,
"Mommy, that's a lot of peanut brittle. Can we have some of that too?!?"
Ah - Mother's Day!!
**
I planned a simple day with my girls. Movies and lunch with a friend and her daughter. Dave is out of town so I didn't expect anythng special, but Rachel and Alex had different plans.
7 a.m. Knock, knock softly at my door.
"Mommy," Rachel says in her sweet little voice. When she says I'm waking up, she giggles and squeals, "Close your eyes!"
"Close your eyes, Mommy," Alex echoes.
"Ok. Ok!"
"Are they closed?" in unison.
"Yes"
A moment passes, and then whispers and giggles.
"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!"
And I opened my eyes to find the two cutest girls ever carrying in my breakfast. "It's for you!! It's BREAKFAST IN BED!!" Alex is beaming!!
"Your life long dream!!" Rachel chirps.
Bringing mommy Mother's Day Bed the girls are soooo happy. It's a priceles moment.
OH MY GOD - They ae sooo adorable and they did ths all for me. All on their own - together. I could have burst with happiness, love and pride. These are two great kids!
On the tray was a plate with one of Daddy's famous pancakes (heated in the microwave) a chunk of peanut brittle, three gummy fish a huge tumbler cup full of orange juice, handmade cards and notes, and Rachel even drew a portrait of me.
After I complied with their requests to "EAT! Mommy! EAT!" and answered over and over that, yes, I do like it, the negotations began.
"Mommy, we brought you three gummies and there are three of us. And we brought one in your favorite colors - red. Can WE have the other two?" So - we all ate the gummies together...,
"Mommy, that's a lot of peanut brittle. Can we have some of that too?!?"
Ah - Mother's Day!!
**
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