**
We're just a few days away from Rachel's surgery. The stress and worry that I've anticipated for years hasn't hit. I'm interested in the ease at which we're pursuing this course of action. I'm fascinated by my own lack of fear and fret. We've put her in the best possible hands and couldn't have done better for her. I believe this will go well and we have tremendous support.
Somewhere down there is the fear - but I'm working hard not to give energy and power to that little echo in the distance.
**
Tuesday, June 8
Saturday, May 29
Just two months...,
**
Will be landing August 1 to start our new adventure!! Can hardly believe it's happening. I keep looking around me at all the beauty that is San Diego, knowing that it's going to break my heart to leave. It's a bitter sweet excitement for our future...,
**
Will be landing August 1 to start our new adventure!! Can hardly believe it's happening. I keep looking around me at all the beauty that is San Diego, knowing that it's going to break my heart to leave. It's a bitter sweet excitement for our future...,
**
Saturday, May 22
Growing up, and letting them do the same
**
I've come to the realization that it's really not possible to escape this life, childhood in particular, with out angst, worry, fear and pain. All the flip sides of the wonders of elation, joy, anticipation, and love.
As adults, we can all look back at our childhoods and identify sources of pain, cling to the anger or hurt caused by those who let us down, those who loved us and, simultaneously, hurt us. It's a fairly pointless exercise - except to maybe learn how to insulate ourselves from the pain/angst and open ourselves to the joy and love.
This goes for my kids too. I'm sure they'll be times when I/we inadvertently let them down—in reality or perception, though it may not matter which. I know others will as well, but on balance I hope they find (are finding) more joy, elation, anticipation and love..., and hope.
Part of me wishes that I could script it for them, protecting them from all the bad stuff, but I know it's a matter of degrees and part of the journey. I can do my best to protect them and arm them—blunting the worst of the blows—but I don't want to rob them of any of it.
Balance. Seems everything is a matter of balance. Balance and perception...,
Hope we get it right, or close enough. Not perfect, but close enough.
**
I've come to the realization that it's really not possible to escape this life, childhood in particular, with out angst, worry, fear and pain. All the flip sides of the wonders of elation, joy, anticipation, and love.
As adults, we can all look back at our childhoods and identify sources of pain, cling to the anger or hurt caused by those who let us down, those who loved us and, simultaneously, hurt us. It's a fairly pointless exercise - except to maybe learn how to insulate ourselves from the pain/angst and open ourselves to the joy and love.
This goes for my kids too. I'm sure they'll be times when I/we inadvertently let them down—in reality or perception, though it may not matter which. I know others will as well, but on balance I hope they find (are finding) more joy, elation, anticipation and love..., and hope.
Part of me wishes that I could script it for them, protecting them from all the bad stuff, but I know it's a matter of degrees and part of the journey. I can do my best to protect them and arm them—blunting the worst of the blows—but I don't want to rob them of any of it.
Balance. Seems everything is a matter of balance. Balance and perception...,
Hope we get it right, or close enough. Not perfect, but close enough.
**
Wednesday, May 19
Monday, May 17
Moving forward
**
Changes. They are a happening. We are making the move. Leaving my beloved sunny San Diego for the snow capped mountains of Boulder, Colorado.
Once again I'll be facing the question of where I fit in the world. Somehow that question seems tougher to answer when I'm not working outside the house. I know, I know - I'm a mom. I'm clear on this - it's the other demensions of me that get blurry.
This time though, I'm hoping it's a little different. Better. I'll hopefully be doing a little freelance writing. I'll be starting my photography business (which all by itself - could prove daunting), volunteering at the girls' school, getting involved in the local community, making new friends, and learning to ski.
Fingers crossed - I'm readying for our next adventure.
**
Changes. They are a happening. We are making the move. Leaving my beloved sunny San Diego for the snow capped mountains of Boulder, Colorado.
Once again I'll be facing the question of where I fit in the world. Somehow that question seems tougher to answer when I'm not working outside the house. I know, I know - I'm a mom. I'm clear on this - it's the other demensions of me that get blurry.
This time though, I'm hoping it's a little different. Better. I'll hopefully be doing a little freelance writing. I'll be starting my photography business (which all by itself - could prove daunting), volunteering at the girls' school, getting involved in the local community, making new friends, and learning to ski.
Fingers crossed - I'm readying for our next adventure.
**
Monday, May 10
Mothers Day - It doesn't get any better
**
I planned a simple day with my girls. Movies and lunch with a friend and her daughter. Dave is out of town so I didn't expect anythng special, but Rachel and Alex had different plans.
7 a.m. Knock, knock softly at my door.
"Mommy," Rachel says in her sweet little voice. When she says I'm waking up, she giggles and squeals, "Close your eyes!"
"Close your eyes, Mommy," Alex echoes.
"Ok. Ok!"
"Are they closed?" in unison.
"Yes"
A moment passes, and then whispers and giggles.
"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!"
And I opened my eyes to find the two cutest girls ever carrying in my breakfast. "It's for you!! It's BREAKFAST IN BED!!" Alex is beaming!!
"Your life long dream!!" Rachel chirps.
Bringing mommy Mother's Day Bed the girls are soooo happy. It's a priceles moment.
OH MY GOD - They ae sooo adorable and they did ths all for me. All on their own - together. I could have burst with happiness, love and pride. These are two great kids!
On the tray was a plate with one of Daddy's famous pancakes (heated in the microwave) a chunk of peanut brittle, three gummy fish a huge tumbler cup full of orange juice, handmade cards and notes, and Rachel even drew a portrait of me.
After I complied with their requests to "EAT! Mommy! EAT!" and answered over and over that, yes, I do like it, the negotations began.
"Mommy, we brought you three gummies and there are three of us. And we brought one in your favorite colors - red. Can WE have the other two?" So - we all ate the gummies together...,
"Mommy, that's a lot of peanut brittle. Can we have some of that too?!?"
Ah - Mother's Day!!
**
I planned a simple day with my girls. Movies and lunch with a friend and her daughter. Dave is out of town so I didn't expect anythng special, but Rachel and Alex had different plans.
7 a.m. Knock, knock softly at my door.
"Mommy," Rachel says in her sweet little voice. When she says I'm waking up, she giggles and squeals, "Close your eyes!"
"Close your eyes, Mommy," Alex echoes.
"Ok. Ok!"
"Are they closed?" in unison.
"Yes"
A moment passes, and then whispers and giggles.
"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!"
And I opened my eyes to find the two cutest girls ever carrying in my breakfast. "It's for you!! It's BREAKFAST IN BED!!" Alex is beaming!!
"Your life long dream!!" Rachel chirps.
Bringing mommy Mother's Day Bed the girls are soooo happy. It's a priceles moment.
OH MY GOD - They ae sooo adorable and they did ths all for me. All on their own - together. I could have burst with happiness, love and pride. These are two great kids!
On the tray was a plate with one of Daddy's famous pancakes (heated in the microwave) a chunk of peanut brittle, three gummy fish a huge tumbler cup full of orange juice, handmade cards and notes, and Rachel even drew a portrait of me.
After I complied with their requests to "EAT! Mommy! EAT!" and answered over and over that, yes, I do like it, the negotations began.
"Mommy, we brought you three gummies and there are three of us. And we brought one in your favorite colors - red. Can WE have the other two?" So - we all ate the gummies together...,
"Mommy, that's a lot of peanut brittle. Can we have some of that too?!?"
Ah - Mother's Day!!
**
Saturday, May 1
Too much to process
**
With Rachel's ear surgery just around the corner, I've found a plethora of other things to focus on to keep me just distracted enough to avoid excessive worry and any minor or major freak outs. The plus is that, with my lack of apparent worry, Rachel is taking it all in stride, and she's even a little excited. (Both she and Alex will be getting their ear's pierced after the surgery.)
Distraction = a calming, self-defense mechanism. So in that vain...,
I've turned my focus to Dave's dad's health, which has taken a sudden and surprising downturn. And all the planning about what his future may hold.
I've turned my focus to real estate. The need to of sell some property. The possibility of moving. The timing of the sale, tax implications, financing...., and sooo, sooo much more.
I've turned my focus to the possibility of leaving my job to be home with my girls, and managing my ever changing place and identity in the world.
I've turned my focus to learning and starting my own photography business.
And, I've turned my focus to a few other BIG things that aren't yet ready for publication.
So, with all of this, I've remained calm in the face of Rachel's surgery. I think that's the blessing of this confluence of chaotic upheavals currently in our lives - the blessing of distraction.
**
With Rachel's ear surgery just around the corner, I've found a plethora of other things to focus on to keep me just distracted enough to avoid excessive worry and any minor or major freak outs. The plus is that, with my lack of apparent worry, Rachel is taking it all in stride, and she's even a little excited. (Both she and Alex will be getting their ear's pierced after the surgery.)
Distraction = a calming, self-defense mechanism. So in that vain...,
I've turned my focus to Dave's dad's health, which has taken a sudden and surprising downturn. And all the planning about what his future may hold.
I've turned my focus to real estate. The need to of sell some property. The possibility of moving. The timing of the sale, tax implications, financing...., and sooo, sooo much more.
I've turned my focus to the possibility of leaving my job to be home with my girls, and managing my ever changing place and identity in the world.
I've turned my focus to learning and starting my own photography business.
And, I've turned my focus to a few other BIG things that aren't yet ready for publication.
So, with all of this, I've remained calm in the face of Rachel's surgery. I think that's the blessing of this confluence of chaotic upheavals currently in our lives - the blessing of distraction.
**
Thursday, April 1
Where Babies Come From
**
So, tonight I spent the evening explaining where babies come from. Rachel's been a bit confused.
"So we got the egg from another woman and daddy's 'cells,' (that's called sperm) and put them in a dish. They swam around for awhile, then kissed and came together and started to grow into embryoes. Then we put them in mommy's tummy and one of them grew into Alex."
"But what about me Mommy."
"Well, the egg and Daddy's cells met in Mommy's body and you grew from there. So, yes, you were both born from Mommy's tummy. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I like the part where they kissed."
Fertility in the Hart House is an interesting discussion. Thank god she didn't ask how Daddy's cells got into Mommy's tummy. Dodged that bullet for a while!
**
So, tonight I spent the evening explaining where babies come from. Rachel's been a bit confused.
"So we got the egg from another woman and daddy's 'cells,' (that's called sperm) and put them in a dish. They swam around for awhile, then kissed and came together and started to grow into embryoes. Then we put them in mommy's tummy and one of them grew into Alex."
"But what about me Mommy."
"Well, the egg and Daddy's cells met in Mommy's body and you grew from there. So, yes, you were both born from Mommy's tummy. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I like the part where they kissed."
Fertility in the Hart House is an interesting discussion. Thank god she didn't ask how Daddy's cells got into Mommy's tummy. Dodged that bullet for a while!
**
Wednesday, March 10
Whew...,
**
2010 is shaping up to be a pretty complicated year. Still ahead, we have;
** Rachel's surgeries in June and November
** Both Dave and I quitting our jobs
** The girls leaving their school and all their friends
** Dave starting a new one
** Me looking for consulting and freelance work
** Me starting a new photography business
** The girls starting a new school, finding new friends, missing their old ones
** Dave and I finding a place to live
** Dave and I making new friends, missing the old ones
** Starting over
** Adjusting to life without perpetual warmth and sun
And that's just the stuff I already know about...,
**
2010 is shaping up to be a pretty complicated year. Still ahead, we have;
** Rachel's surgeries in June and November
** Both Dave and I quitting our jobs
** The girls leaving their school and all their friends
** Dave starting a new one
** Me looking for consulting and freelance work
** Me starting a new photography business
** The girls starting a new school, finding new friends, missing their old ones
** Dave and I finding a place to live
** Dave and I making new friends, missing the old ones
** Starting over
** Adjusting to life without perpetual warmth and sun
And that's just the stuff I already know about...,
**
Monday, March 8
Times are a changin'
**
Woman wife mom is about to change into Woman Wife Mom Photographer. I'm in the scary process of building my portfolio. Not sure why I find it scary - but I'm intimidated by the expectations of others.
**
Woman wife mom is about to change into Woman Wife Mom Photographer. I'm in the scary process of building my portfolio. Not sure why I find it scary - but I'm intimidated by the expectations of others.
**
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