The List - by DaMomma

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21 things I wish someone had told me before I had kids:
By DaMomma

21) Take the drugs.

20) About half of what you do the first year, you'll look back on and laugh. The other half will make you so screamingly proud of yourself, you'll breathe funny when you think about it. The bad news is, it is impossible to tell at the time which half is which. So stick to your guns.

19) Birth is the sprint that comprises Day One. The marathon begins on Day Two. The marathon is the important part.

18) When it's 3 in the morning and baby's crying and you're asking the Universe what the hell kind of joke it is to make procreation so easy that any idiot can get herself here, remember that you'll wake up tomorrow and she'll be 30 and this will be all over.

17) Guilt is inevitable. So don't waste too much time picking which things to feel guilty about — bottle-feeding, or daycare, or sugar, or whatever. Save your strength. Do what you gotta do and know you'll feel guilty no matter what.

16) Don't buy the wipes warmer.

15) You can't teach values you don't have. If you want your child to eat well, say "please" and "thank you," and stand up for herself, you better do the same.

14) When you fly in a plane, buy your kid a seat. Never ever ever ever ever fly her in your lap.

13) Let her play in mud puddles.

12) Let her pick her own outfits.

11) Out-of-control kids aren't the victims of parents who didn't spank, or don't care, or voted the wrong way in 2000. A major cause of badly-behaved kids is lazy parenting — you'll discover this the week the bills are late, work's a hassle, you have a fight with your husband and on top of everything, Little Precious has become a holy terror over night. That's your cue to re-engage: if you want your kid to behave, pay attention to her and be consistent in your response to her actions.

10) But don't hover.

9) There are no diaper pails that contain odor. Lies, all lies!

8) If your kid is sitting happily in her high chair picking her nose and staring at the ceiling do not — under any circumstances — take that opportunity to drill her on her ABC's. Don't ask her her colors or insist that she give "Twinkle, twinkle" another run-through. Just leave her alone. Picking her nose and staring at the ceiling has its developmental value, too.

7) Insist that she respect you. If she can't respect her mother, what the hell can she respect?

6) Sleep when the baby sleeps. And go ahead and cry when she cries.

5) Teach her that her body is hers and she has the right to say "no" — never make her hug someone she doesn't want to hug. Don't let anyone kiss her if she doesn't want to be kissed. Not even your mother. If you don't think you can stand to tell your mother this, see item 15.

4) Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask for help.

3) Ignore the old cow in the market who scowls because your daughter is wearing lipstick, a feather boa, and snow boots and not much else. But get some good friends — parents you respect — who'll tell you when you're wrong. Because sometimes you will be.

2) There are as many correct ways to raise children as there are children. She won't be perfect. You're not perfect. You're spectacularly good enough. She will be, too.

1) There is no finish line.

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