Heavy decisions about our family's future. To stay where we're perfectly happy and integrated into the community. Both with good jobs, friends, hobbies. The girls love their school, their Daisy Troops, their friends. Or to move to Boulder. A place I've never been. A place that has cold and snowy winters and a whole lot of unknowns.
Doesn't seem like a great decision to make.
I may be just trying to escape my job - which I really do like and am doing well at. But it may go the way of others and end anyway so maybe I'll just clip the cord first.
Seems hasty.
hmmm.
Thursday, January 14
Sunday, January 3
Giving the ultimate thanks
**
Not sure why - but one of the scariest moments in my life sprang to my mind today. The day that my placenta tore. The day that they told me there was nothing they could do. It would either repair itself or it wouldn't. Our baby would either continue to grow in the warmth of my womb, or her tenuous grasp would slip and we would lose her. There was nothing they could do.
I sat there, bleeding, waiting for the doctor to come. But he didn't come. The bleeding stopped and they attempted to send this terrified, horrified mother home.
No. She wouldn't go. The bleeding starting again and this mom demanded to see a physician. ("If the doctor on call is too busy, find me one who isn't!!")
A physician finally arrived and did an ultra sound. "The baby's heart is still beating. She's still there. You haven't lost her (yet)."
And so, we went home, scared that this little life we had tried so hard to create would slip away from us.
We waited. We waited, hoping nothing would happen. There would be no more bleeding. There would be no more cramping. That our little baby would hang onto that uterine wall, that the placenta tear would heal itself, and that nothing would happen to that little life growing inside of me.
And she was spared. She continued to grow and thrive, and today she is our 6 year-old little Alex. Full of life, wonder, and joy.
She is a miracle.
**
Not sure why - but one of the scariest moments in my life sprang to my mind today. The day that my placenta tore. The day that they told me there was nothing they could do. It would either repair itself or it wouldn't. Our baby would either continue to grow in the warmth of my womb, or her tenuous grasp would slip and we would lose her. There was nothing they could do.
I sat there, bleeding, waiting for the doctor to come. But he didn't come. The bleeding stopped and they attempted to send this terrified, horrified mother home.
No. She wouldn't go. The bleeding starting again and this mom demanded to see a physician. ("If the doctor on call is too busy, find me one who isn't!!")
A physician finally arrived and did an ultra sound. "The baby's heart is still beating. She's still there. You haven't lost her (yet)."
And so, we went home, scared that this little life we had tried so hard to create would slip away from us.
We waited. We waited, hoping nothing would happen. There would be no more bleeding. There would be no more cramping. That our little baby would hang onto that uterine wall, that the placenta tear would heal itself, and that nothing would happen to that little life growing inside of me.
And she was spared. She continued to grow and thrive, and today she is our 6 year-old little Alex. Full of life, wonder, and joy.
She is a miracle.
**
Saturday, January 2
Contemplating 2010
**
Our life is pretty terrific. We don't want for much. Not that we're in any way wealthy - just pretty happy. Our basic needs are met, and we have enough extras to make our work seem worthwhile and make our choices seem on track.
And now we're thinking about shaking it up. Making a big move that would change everything. I'm oddly attracted to the idea of change. Almost for the sake of change itself.
I'm sure there's some benefit to routine - though looking back, I've never really had a routine for long. Five years in one spot is as long as I've lived anywhere since living home. Granted, all but one of these addresses have been in San Diego. Still, each was significantly different.
This change is a bit more calculated for our family than one I would have made in my single days. Weighing all the options, pros and cons, and (maybe to Dave's dismay) discussing it ad naseum.
Whatever we decide, the plus is that nothing is written in stone and it's nothing that can't be undone - with a little effort. Though, once the decision is made I can't rely on this escape hatch. I've got to go into this as a final decision and bring our happiness along for the ride.
hmmmm.
2010 could be a very interesting year.
**
Our life is pretty terrific. We don't want for much. Not that we're in any way wealthy - just pretty happy. Our basic needs are met, and we have enough extras to make our work seem worthwhile and make our choices seem on track.
And now we're thinking about shaking it up. Making a big move that would change everything. I'm oddly attracted to the idea of change. Almost for the sake of change itself.
I'm sure there's some benefit to routine - though looking back, I've never really had a routine for long. Five years in one spot is as long as I've lived anywhere since living home. Granted, all but one of these addresses have been in San Diego. Still, each was significantly different.
This change is a bit more calculated for our family than one I would have made in my single days. Weighing all the options, pros and cons, and (maybe to Dave's dismay) discussing it ad naseum.
Whatever we decide, the plus is that nothing is written in stone and it's nothing that can't be undone - with a little effort. Though, once the decision is made I can't rely on this escape hatch. I've got to go into this as a final decision and bring our happiness along for the ride.
hmmmm.
2010 could be a very interesting year.
**
Saturday, December 26
Christmas 2009
**
This Christmas was stress free; warm, loving, not rushed, not worried about money, not pressed with family drama or underlying angst. Just what Christmas should be.
Last year I began setting the boundaries. I knew I would be hit with some resistance, and I've long since learned that I can't manage crazy. But this time my family (Cindy and my mom) topped themselves. After letting my mom know that, no it wasn't OK to come to our house early Christmas morning with Ace dressed as Santa, and no we wouldn't be serving them dinner - another day would be great - just not on Christmas morning - both my mom and Cindy started with the silent treatment. Because they didn't get what they wanted, when they wanted, regardless of our plans for our family, we we're extricated from the family. I didn't hear from my mom again until some time in late February. She blew off Christmas and Alex's birthday - as punishment. And I never spoke to Cindy. My mom "translated" the information to her and she hasn't spoken to me since. Didn't return the calls that I placed to her to talk about plans for Christmas - nope, she just stopped talking to me. Because - hey it was really all about the kids and if she can't do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it -then she'll never see or talk to the kids or her sister ever again. So that brings us back to "can't manage crazy."
So last Christmas was spent with angst and heartache, stress and drama. It took me most of that year to come the realization that Cindy is as toxic and emotionally dangerous as she is damaged.
This Christmas was stress free; warm, loving, not rushed, not worried about money, not pressed with family drama or underlying angst. Just what Christmas should be.
Last year I began setting the boundaries. I knew I would be hit with some resistance, and I've long since learned that I can't manage crazy. But this time my family (Cindy and my mom) topped themselves. After letting my mom know that, no it wasn't OK to come to our house early Christmas morning with Ace dressed as Santa, and no we wouldn't be serving them dinner - another day would be great - just not on Christmas morning - both my mom and Cindy started with the silent treatment. Because they didn't get what they wanted, when they wanted, regardless of our plans for our family, we we're extricated from the family. I didn't hear from my mom again until some time in late February. She blew off Christmas and Alex's birthday - as punishment. And I never spoke to Cindy. My mom "translated" the information to her and she hasn't spoken to me since. Didn't return the calls that I placed to her to talk about plans for Christmas - nope, she just stopped talking to me. Because - hey it was really all about the kids and if she can't do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it -then she'll never see or talk to the kids or her sister ever again. So that brings us back to "can't manage crazy."
So last Christmas was spent with angst and heartache, stress and drama. It took me most of that year to come the realization that Cindy is as toxic and emotionally dangerous as she is damaged.
Looking forward
**
My life is pretty good. Really good. I have an incredible husband, two beautiful little girls, a house that is truly a home, friends, a good job. Call me crazy - but I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to shake something up. Not sure what.
An option that popped up on Christmas Eve: Uproot the family and move to Boulder in pursuit of a career move for Dave. What would all that mean to me? To our family?
Downside - EVERYTHING changes and potential for me to hit the skids like I did in Washington, D.C.. It's FREAKIN' cold there.
Upside - I could be a stay at home mom, start a photog. business, buy a bigger house, experience a new life, learn to ski, make new friends.
And the list goes on.
Oh what to do...,
**
My life is pretty good. Really good. I have an incredible husband, two beautiful little girls, a house that is truly a home, friends, a good job. Call me crazy - but I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to shake something up. Not sure what.
An option that popped up on Christmas Eve: Uproot the family and move to Boulder in pursuit of a career move for Dave. What would all that mean to me? To our family?
Downside - EVERYTHING changes and potential for me to hit the skids like I did in Washington, D.C.. It's FREAKIN' cold there.
Upside - I could be a stay at home mom, start a photog. business, buy a bigger house, experience a new life, learn to ski, make new friends.
And the list goes on.
Oh what to do...,
**
Sunday, December 13
Being a true friend means loving in spite of our flaws. Forgiving, even when it hurts. Being truthful, but respecting the other's feelings. Loving with all that you are, and not expecting anything in return. At times it means that you are that person's strength, rock, knot, shelter. Other times it means that you listen and say nothing, just ... See Morelisten, even though you want to scream at the top of your lungs that they are making the wrong decision, but loving them even though they do. Being a freind means bringing out the best in someone, by being the best that you are. The greatest gift is the gift of love and friendship and not placing any expectations on what it is, or what it can be, just that it is...
A sudden scare...,
**
Off to bed with a stuffy nose and the sniffles, hours later Rachel wakes up crying with a barking cough. She began gasping for air and for one horrible moment it seemed like she couldn't breath. I grabbed her from her bed and, checking for blue lips on the way, we rush her to the bath to run the hot steam. Rachel's calm now and trying to sleep. Not sure that will come any time soon for momma!
**
Off to bed with a stuffy nose and the sniffles, hours later Rachel wakes up crying with a barking cough. She began gasping for air and for one horrible moment it seemed like she couldn't breath. I grabbed her from her bed and, checking for blue lips on the way, we rush her to the bath to run the hot steam. Rachel's calm now and trying to sleep. Not sure that will come any time soon for momma!
**
Thursday, November 26
Thanksgiving Day
**
I am thankful for the past. All the people and experiences that came before. The people who loved me and the people who hurt me. (Sometimes one in the same.) And the experiences; the triumphs and failures and everything in between.
If it weren't for those, I would not be here today, so very thankful for the present. My wonderful husband and two incredible little girls. Our life is pretty great.
And I'm thankful for the future. It's endless potential and unknowns. Dreams to fulfill and heartaches to weather. All of it with my family by my side. Life doesn't get any better than that.
**
I am thankful for the past. All the people and experiences that came before. The people who loved me and the people who hurt me. (Sometimes one in the same.) And the experiences; the triumphs and failures and everything in between.
If it weren't for those, I would not be here today, so very thankful for the present. My wonderful husband and two incredible little girls. Our life is pretty great.
And I'm thankful for the future. It's endless potential and unknowns. Dreams to fulfill and heartaches to weather. All of it with my family by my side. Life doesn't get any better than that.
**
Wednesday, November 25
Skittle Pics - Portrait photography
The name of my new business.
Skittle Pics - Portrait photography.
Yep. I like it!
Skittle Pics - Portrait photography.
Yep. I like it!
Monday, November 23
Pondering My Parenting
**
Alex is 6 1/2 and Rachel is 4, and already I feel our closeness is slipping.
Is it the two years I've been back at work and the girls have been in school and after-school care?
It it the normal progression of child development, stretching their wings and developing a natural, healthy sense of autonomy?
Is it the time that I spend on the computer, or on the phone, work at home, or other household chores - when I tell them "In a minute...," "I just need to finish this..." "Girls can you just play by yourselves for a little while....?"
Whatever it is, it makes me sad and anxious to preserve what we have, or rebuild what we've lost. A little more focused time with the girls, a little less time on the computer, a little less distractions from work and other things less important.
I'll do my best to live with this in mind:
"How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us. By keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most."
~ Noreen Bristow ~
**
Alex is 6 1/2 and Rachel is 4, and already I feel our closeness is slipping.
Is it the two years I've been back at work and the girls have been in school and after-school care?
It it the normal progression of child development, stretching their wings and developing a natural, healthy sense of autonomy?
Is it the time that I spend on the computer, or on the phone, work at home, or other household chores - when I tell them "In a minute...," "I just need to finish this..." "Girls can you just play by yourselves for a little while....?"
Whatever it is, it makes me sad and anxious to preserve what we have, or rebuild what we've lost. A little more focused time with the girls, a little less time on the computer, a little less distractions from work and other things less important.
I'll do my best to live with this in mind:
"How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us. By keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most."
~ Noreen Bristow ~
**
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