**
So, tonight I spent the evening explaining where babies come from. Rachel's been a bit confused.
"So we got the egg from another woman and daddy's 'cells,' (that's called sperm) and put them in a dish. They swam around for awhile, then kissed and came together and started to grow into embryoes. Then we put them in mommy's tummy and one of them grew into Alex."
"But what about me Mommy."
"Well, the egg and Daddy's cells met in Mommy's body and you grew from there. So, yes, you were both born from Mommy's tummy. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I like the part where they kissed."
Fertility in the Hart House is an interesting discussion. Thank god she didn't ask how Daddy's cells got into Mommy's tummy. Dodged that bullet for a while!
**
Thursday, April 1
Wednesday, March 10
Whew...,
**
2010 is shaping up to be a pretty complicated year. Still ahead, we have;
** Rachel's surgeries in June and November
** Both Dave and I quitting our jobs
** The girls leaving their school and all their friends
** Dave starting a new one
** Me looking for consulting and freelance work
** Me starting a new photography business
** The girls starting a new school, finding new friends, missing their old ones
** Dave and I finding a place to live
** Dave and I making new friends, missing the old ones
** Starting over
** Adjusting to life without perpetual warmth and sun
And that's just the stuff I already know about...,
**
2010 is shaping up to be a pretty complicated year. Still ahead, we have;
** Rachel's surgeries in June and November
** Both Dave and I quitting our jobs
** The girls leaving their school and all their friends
** Dave starting a new one
** Me looking for consulting and freelance work
** Me starting a new photography business
** The girls starting a new school, finding new friends, missing their old ones
** Dave and I finding a place to live
** Dave and I making new friends, missing the old ones
** Starting over
** Adjusting to life without perpetual warmth and sun
And that's just the stuff I already know about...,
**
Monday, March 8
Times are a changin'
**
Woman wife mom is about to change into Woman Wife Mom Photographer. I'm in the scary process of building my portfolio. Not sure why I find it scary - but I'm intimidated by the expectations of others.
**
Woman wife mom is about to change into Woman Wife Mom Photographer. I'm in the scary process of building my portfolio. Not sure why I find it scary - but I'm intimidated by the expectations of others.
**
Saturday, February 27
My LIttle Girl
**
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you though you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You’ve had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on take on this old world but to me you know you will always be
My little girl
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile would melt my heart of stone
Now look at you I’ve turned around and you’ve almost grown
Sometimes your asleep I whisper I love you in the moonlight at your door
As I walk away I hear you say “daddy love you more”
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on take on this old world but to me you know you will always be
My little girl
Someday some boy will come and ask me for your hand
But I won’t say yes to him unless I know
He’s the half that makes you whole
He has a poets soul
And the heart of a mans man
I know he’ll say that he’s in love, but between you and me
He won’t be good enough
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on take on this old world but to me you know you will always be
My little girl
~ Tim McGraw ~
**
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you though you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You’ve had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on take on this old world but to me you know you will always be
My little girl
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile would melt my heart of stone
Now look at you I’ve turned around and you’ve almost grown
Sometimes your asleep I whisper I love you in the moonlight at your door
As I walk away I hear you say “daddy love you more”
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on take on this old world but to me you know you will always be
My little girl
Someday some boy will come and ask me for your hand
But I won’t say yes to him unless I know
He’s the half that makes you whole
He has a poets soul
And the heart of a mans man
I know he’ll say that he’s in love, but between you and me
He won’t be good enough
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on take on this old world but to me you know you will always be
My little girl
~ Tim McGraw ~
**
Saturday, February 13
Movies and Bandaids
**
Movie night with my girls is a salve for the wounds of my childhood.
I don't remember a night when my mom cuddled with me, or held me as we watched a movie together. I don't remember her soothing my wounds or easing my heartache. Maybe she did and its just been lost with all the other craziness.
As I hold my girls, not only am I giving to and loving my girls from a place within my soul, but at the same time my soul is healing. Healing from the wounds of childhood - and even the more recent wounds heaped on top of those at the hands of a sister who didn't escape childhood with any less wounds, and hasn't found her own salve in adulthood.
Snuggling on the couch with my girls, and holding my hubby's hand, a tear rolls down my cheek. I am soooo blessed. So lucky to get a second chance at mother-daughter-sister love and acceptance. It's an amazing, healing gift.
**
Movie night with my girls is a salve for the wounds of my childhood.
I don't remember a night when my mom cuddled with me, or held me as we watched a movie together. I don't remember her soothing my wounds or easing my heartache. Maybe she did and its just been lost with all the other craziness.
As I hold my girls, not only am I giving to and loving my girls from a place within my soul, but at the same time my soul is healing. Healing from the wounds of childhood - and even the more recent wounds heaped on top of those at the hands of a sister who didn't escape childhood with any less wounds, and hasn't found her own salve in adulthood.
Snuggling on the couch with my girls, and holding my hubby's hand, a tear rolls down my cheek. I am soooo blessed. So lucky to get a second chance at mother-daughter-sister love and acceptance. It's an amazing, healing gift.
**
Sunday, February 7
Change...,
**
I've been languishing for a couple of months. Restless and wondering "What's next?"
Work's fine - humming along. Truth be told, I could do my job in my sleep. But I really like the people and the flexibility that the job gives me - not to mention the paycheck. But stimulating and/or challenging, it is not.
And the personal life? Well, that's humming along too; a nice balance of mom friends and work friends, old friends and new friends.
Of course you know how I feel about my hubby and kids. There are no words to adequately express how wonderful and fulfilling my home life is.
It seems like forever ago that I wrote about "the equation," and how important it was that every member of the family mattered in the family equation.
At that time, my life was out of balance. Skewed one way, with little or no me in the picture. That was just a little less than three years ago. And since that time I've turned it around. With the support of Dave, I've created a life in which we all matter. Not in equal parts ALL the time, but with an ebb and flow that works really well for us.
I'm at peace and happier than I've ever been.
Sooooo, about two months ago, I decided "let's mix it up a bit."
It all started with a phone call from Dave's old boss, Anke. She's very aware of his precarious situation with the grant funding for his current organization, and knows his work well. She called to tell him about a job that she thought would be great for him—in Boulder, CO.
Dave, mentioning it to me in passing, was surprised at my level of interest in this new possibility. And has since been toying, pretty seriously with the idea of relocating.
For my part, I've done enough research on Boulder that I could write a term paper on the place. Sounds beautiful, and shares the same liberal bent that we do. The issue? 83" of snow annually!! That sort of freaks me out a bit - I hate the cold.
What's holding my interest?
We'll be traveling to Boulder in two weeks, staying with friends and checking out this new opportunity. We'll visit the new organization. We'll tour the town and visit neighborhoods and schools.
The opportunity is at once exhilarating and unnerving.
Only time will tell.
**
I've been languishing for a couple of months. Restless and wondering "What's next?"
Work's fine - humming along. Truth be told, I could do my job in my sleep. But I really like the people and the flexibility that the job gives me - not to mention the paycheck. But stimulating and/or challenging, it is not.
And the personal life? Well, that's humming along too; a nice balance of mom friends and work friends, old friends and new friends.
Of course you know how I feel about my hubby and kids. There are no words to adequately express how wonderful and fulfilling my home life is.
It seems like forever ago that I wrote about "the equation," and how important it was that every member of the family mattered in the family equation.
At that time, my life was out of balance. Skewed one way, with little or no me in the picture. That was just a little less than three years ago. And since that time I've turned it around. With the support of Dave, I've created a life in which we all matter. Not in equal parts ALL the time, but with an ebb and flow that works really well for us.
I'm at peace and happier than I've ever been.
Sooooo, about two months ago, I decided "let's mix it up a bit."
It all started with a phone call from Dave's old boss, Anke. She's very aware of his precarious situation with the grant funding for his current organization, and knows his work well. She called to tell him about a job that she thought would be great for him—in Boulder, CO.
Dave, mentioning it to me in passing, was surprised at my level of interest in this new possibility. And has since been toying, pretty seriously with the idea of relocating.
For my part, I've done enough research on Boulder that I could write a term paper on the place. Sounds beautiful, and shares the same liberal bent that we do. The issue? 83" of snow annually!! That sort of freaks me out a bit - I hate the cold.
What's holding my interest?
- The possibility of a bigger house - with a basement and a big bath tub.
- The opportunity to re-invent myself - from PR maven to photographic artist.
- The opportunity to spend more time with my kids.
- The opportunity to prove that I can do it!! And do it well!!
We'll be traveling to Boulder in two weeks, staying with friends and checking out this new opportunity. We'll visit the new organization. We'll tour the town and visit neighborhoods and schools.
The opportunity is at once exhilarating and unnerving.
Only time will tell.
**
Thursday, January 14
Decisions
Heavy decisions about our family's future. To stay where we're perfectly happy and integrated into the community. Both with good jobs, friends, hobbies. The girls love their school, their Daisy Troops, their friends. Or to move to Boulder. A place I've never been. A place that has cold and snowy winters and a whole lot of unknowns.
Doesn't seem like a great decision to make.
I may be just trying to escape my job - which I really do like and am doing well at. But it may go the way of others and end anyway so maybe I'll just clip the cord first.
Seems hasty.
hmmm.
Doesn't seem like a great decision to make.
I may be just trying to escape my job - which I really do like and am doing well at. But it may go the way of others and end anyway so maybe I'll just clip the cord first.
Seems hasty.
hmmm.
Sunday, January 3
Giving the ultimate thanks
**
Not sure why - but one of the scariest moments in my life sprang to my mind today. The day that my placenta tore. The day that they told me there was nothing they could do. It would either repair itself or it wouldn't. Our baby would either continue to grow in the warmth of my womb, or her tenuous grasp would slip and we would lose her. There was nothing they could do.
I sat there, bleeding, waiting for the doctor to come. But he didn't come. The bleeding stopped and they attempted to send this terrified, horrified mother home.
No. She wouldn't go. The bleeding starting again and this mom demanded to see a physician. ("If the doctor on call is too busy, find me one who isn't!!")
A physician finally arrived and did an ultra sound. "The baby's heart is still beating. She's still there. You haven't lost her (yet)."
And so, we went home, scared that this little life we had tried so hard to create would slip away from us.
We waited. We waited, hoping nothing would happen. There would be no more bleeding. There would be no more cramping. That our little baby would hang onto that uterine wall, that the placenta tear would heal itself, and that nothing would happen to that little life growing inside of me.
And she was spared. She continued to grow and thrive, and today she is our 6 year-old little Alex. Full of life, wonder, and joy.
She is a miracle.
**
Not sure why - but one of the scariest moments in my life sprang to my mind today. The day that my placenta tore. The day that they told me there was nothing they could do. It would either repair itself or it wouldn't. Our baby would either continue to grow in the warmth of my womb, or her tenuous grasp would slip and we would lose her. There was nothing they could do.
I sat there, bleeding, waiting for the doctor to come. But he didn't come. The bleeding stopped and they attempted to send this terrified, horrified mother home.
No. She wouldn't go. The bleeding starting again and this mom demanded to see a physician. ("If the doctor on call is too busy, find me one who isn't!!")
A physician finally arrived and did an ultra sound. "The baby's heart is still beating. She's still there. You haven't lost her (yet)."
And so, we went home, scared that this little life we had tried so hard to create would slip away from us.
We waited. We waited, hoping nothing would happen. There would be no more bleeding. There would be no more cramping. That our little baby would hang onto that uterine wall, that the placenta tear would heal itself, and that nothing would happen to that little life growing inside of me.
And she was spared. She continued to grow and thrive, and today she is our 6 year-old little Alex. Full of life, wonder, and joy.
She is a miracle.
**
Saturday, January 2
Contemplating 2010
**
Our life is pretty terrific. We don't want for much. Not that we're in any way wealthy - just pretty happy. Our basic needs are met, and we have enough extras to make our work seem worthwhile and make our choices seem on track.
And now we're thinking about shaking it up. Making a big move that would change everything. I'm oddly attracted to the idea of change. Almost for the sake of change itself.
I'm sure there's some benefit to routine - though looking back, I've never really had a routine for long. Five years in one spot is as long as I've lived anywhere since living home. Granted, all but one of these addresses have been in San Diego. Still, each was significantly different.
This change is a bit more calculated for our family than one I would have made in my single days. Weighing all the options, pros and cons, and (maybe to Dave's dismay) discussing it ad naseum.
Whatever we decide, the plus is that nothing is written in stone and it's nothing that can't be undone - with a little effort. Though, once the decision is made I can't rely on this escape hatch. I've got to go into this as a final decision and bring our happiness along for the ride.
hmmmm.
2010 could be a very interesting year.
**
Our life is pretty terrific. We don't want for much. Not that we're in any way wealthy - just pretty happy. Our basic needs are met, and we have enough extras to make our work seem worthwhile and make our choices seem on track.
And now we're thinking about shaking it up. Making a big move that would change everything. I'm oddly attracted to the idea of change. Almost for the sake of change itself.
I'm sure there's some benefit to routine - though looking back, I've never really had a routine for long. Five years in one spot is as long as I've lived anywhere since living home. Granted, all but one of these addresses have been in San Diego. Still, each was significantly different.
This change is a bit more calculated for our family than one I would have made in my single days. Weighing all the options, pros and cons, and (maybe to Dave's dismay) discussing it ad naseum.
Whatever we decide, the plus is that nothing is written in stone and it's nothing that can't be undone - with a little effort. Though, once the decision is made I can't rely on this escape hatch. I've got to go into this as a final decision and bring our happiness along for the ride.
hmmmm.
2010 could be a very interesting year.
**
Saturday, December 26
Christmas 2009
**
This Christmas was stress free; warm, loving, not rushed, not worried about money, not pressed with family drama or underlying angst. Just what Christmas should be.
Last year I began setting the boundaries. I knew I would be hit with some resistance, and I've long since learned that I can't manage crazy. But this time my family (Cindy and my mom) topped themselves. After letting my mom know that, no it wasn't OK to come to our house early Christmas morning with Ace dressed as Santa, and no we wouldn't be serving them dinner - another day would be great - just not on Christmas morning - both my mom and Cindy started with the silent treatment. Because they didn't get what they wanted, when they wanted, regardless of our plans for our family, we we're extricated from the family. I didn't hear from my mom again until some time in late February. She blew off Christmas and Alex's birthday - as punishment. And I never spoke to Cindy. My mom "translated" the information to her and she hasn't spoken to me since. Didn't return the calls that I placed to her to talk about plans for Christmas - nope, she just stopped talking to me. Because - hey it was really all about the kids and if she can't do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it -then she'll never see or talk to the kids or her sister ever again. So that brings us back to "can't manage crazy."
So last Christmas was spent with angst and heartache, stress and drama. It took me most of that year to come the realization that Cindy is as toxic and emotionally dangerous as she is damaged.
This Christmas was stress free; warm, loving, not rushed, not worried about money, not pressed with family drama or underlying angst. Just what Christmas should be.
Last year I began setting the boundaries. I knew I would be hit with some resistance, and I've long since learned that I can't manage crazy. But this time my family (Cindy and my mom) topped themselves. After letting my mom know that, no it wasn't OK to come to our house early Christmas morning with Ace dressed as Santa, and no we wouldn't be serving them dinner - another day would be great - just not on Christmas morning - both my mom and Cindy started with the silent treatment. Because they didn't get what they wanted, when they wanted, regardless of our plans for our family, we we're extricated from the family. I didn't hear from my mom again until some time in late February. She blew off Christmas and Alex's birthday - as punishment. And I never spoke to Cindy. My mom "translated" the information to her and she hasn't spoken to me since. Didn't return the calls that I placed to her to talk about plans for Christmas - nope, she just stopped talking to me. Because - hey it was really all about the kids and if she can't do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it -then she'll never see or talk to the kids or her sister ever again. So that brings us back to "can't manage crazy."
So last Christmas was spent with angst and heartache, stress and drama. It took me most of that year to come the realization that Cindy is as toxic and emotionally dangerous as she is damaged.
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