My own private world...,

**

OK - I've moved my blog to my own private world. My thought and family memoir for our eyes only. At least for now. With Twitter and Facebook, we're public enough. It's nice to have a little it of the cyber world - just for us.

**

Treasuring the ones you love...,

Normal day,

let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you,

love you,

bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass you by

in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may,

for it may not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,

or bury my face in the pillow,

or stretch myself taut,

or raise my hands to the sky and want,

more than all the world, your return.

~Mary Jean Iron

Another chapter...,

**

Still Woman, Wife, Mom, but combining all the life that I want to live with my husband, children and friends doesn't really leave much time for a full scale, traditional career. Or so I've learned these past three years. So, here I go, once again into an unknown landscape. This time as an aspiring photographer, full time WWM, and fulfillment seeker.

I'm in this great place - free to pursue my love of photography and available to be present in my daily relationships outside of an office. It's such a great gift. The gift of time, and the freedom to to what *I* want to with it.

As we head off to Boulder, I imagine trying on several different hats before I find one that's feels almost molded for my head. One that fits snugly enough as to not be blown off w/ a strong wind, but not so tight that it pinches by head. The perfect hat, snug and warm on cool days, cool on hot days. One that I can take off from time to time, and, after a long-ish absence, it will fit just as perfectly as the day I took it off.

The beauty is, there is no rush. I'm going to resist the urge to immediately find my path and settle in. I'm going to take my time and enjoy each day-remembering to be present and in the moment.

I imagine trying to cook, volunteering in the kids school, volunteering with people in need, using my photography in a charitable way, studying photography and light, trying my hand at meditation, trying my hand in the kitchen, mucking stalls and spending time with horses, and so much more.....,

I'm open to all possibilities. I'm excited and apprehensive about leaving the safety of the prescribed life. Uprooting the family, away from the land of the sun to snowy Colorado..., It's ALL new - except for the most important constants in my life - Dave, Rachel and Alex.

**

Growing up, and letting them do the same

**

I've come to the realization that it's really not possible to escape this life, childhood in particular, with out angst, worry, fear and pain. All the flip sides of the wonders of elation, joy, anticipation, and love.

As adults, we can all look back at our childhoods and identify sources of pain, cling to the anger or hurt caused by those who let us down, those who loved us and, simultaneously, hurt us. It's a fairly pointless exercise - except to maybe learn how to insulate ourselves from the pain/angst and open ourselves to the joy and love.

This goes for my kids too. I'm sure they'll be times when I/we inadvertently let them down—in reality or perception, though it may not matter which. I know others will as well, but on balance I hope they find (are finding) more joy, elation, anticipation and love..., and hope.

Part of me wishes that I could script it for them, protecting them from all the bad stuff, but I know it's a matter of degrees and part of the journey. I can do my best to protect them and arm them—blunting the worst of the blows—but I don't want to rob them of any of it.

Balance. Seems everything is a matter of balance. Balance and perception...,

Hope we get it right, or close enough. Not perfect, but close enough.

**

Pondering My Parenting

**

Alex is 6 1/2 and Rachel is 4, and already I feel our closeness is slipping.

Is it the two years I've been back at work and the girls have been in school and after-school care?

It it the normal progression of child development, stretching their wings and developing a natural, healthy sense of autonomy?

Is it the time that I spend on the computer, or on the phone, work at home, or other household chores - when I tell them "In a minute...," "I just need to finish this..." "Girls can you just play by yourselves for a little while....?"

Whatever it is, it makes me sad and anxious to preserve what we have, or rebuild what we've lost. A little more focused time with the girls, a little less time on the computer, a little less distractions from work and other things less important.

I'll do my best to live with this in mind:

"How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us. By keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most."
~ Noreen Bristow ~

**

Days are slipping by...,

**

Alex is 6, and Rachel is 5.

I'm working full time.

From 7:40 in the morning to 5 in the evening, I'm away from my girls. Nine hours a day away and just a few hours a day with them. And those hours are so often interrupted with phone calls and computer use, household details and chores.

I sit at my desk, writing talking points, press releases, taking part in conference calls. All of which would go on smoothly without me. I do a good job, people are happy with my work. But it would all go on smoothly without me.

That's not true of my family, but I'm not giving my best to them. They're getting what's left.

The days are passing too quickly and we'll never get them back. It's time to reassess.
**

She needs a hole in her head....

**
Rachel's surgery is becoming more real. No longer some nebulous thing that's going to happen some day - off in the future. No longer far enough off that I can leave it in the box, safely on the shelf with all the worries tucked nicely inside.

We've started selecting physicians and facilities, insurance carriers and plans, looking at photos, pouring through internet resources, and making decisions on which procedures and when.

It's the process that keeps me balanced. Going through the necessary steps and staying focused on the details keeps the worries at bay.

**
Interested in learning more???

Understanding Unilateral Hearing loss:
http://www.boystownhospital.org/hearing/info/unilateral.asp
And the speech banana...,
http://edschool.csuhayward.edu/departments/ted/instruction/howe/5500/AAL-speechbanana.html

Blogs
http://www.kelleysearsurgery.blogspot.com/
http://www.milestrip.blogspot.com/
http://www.missionlittlebrother.blogspot.com/
http://belle-josh.blogspot.com/

Our doc;
http://www.americanhealthandbeauty.com/procedures/doctors.asp?doc=345
http://www.cedars-sinai.edu/14064.html?gclid=CMbwpOTy7JoCFQVxFQodW10QBQ

Monday Morning Ramblings

**

The girls were both extra clingy this morning - snugly until the moment I nudged them off to class. Alex gave me the saddest little look and complained of her tummy hurting. It's so hard to tell. Is she really feeling bad? Is it just a longing for mommy? Is it gas?

As mommies, we just do our best and send them off to school or keep them home based on sometimes nothing more than a mother's hunch - and always wondering, "is this the right decision?" In the end - they survive, we survive and they know that we love them.

**

Yesterday, Alex and Rachel and I went hiking up Twin Peaks with their little friends and Miss Betty, then came back to our house for lunch. It was great fun - then after nap and crafts, we headed out to check out pianos for Rachel, and then to dinner.

I am constantly amazed at how different my life experience was, and wonder if every generation feels the same. I'm so happy we're able to give them what we do, and that my hubby and I are almost always on the same page, enjoying life together with our girls. Our little family unit - there is no greater gift.

OK - I've got to run. These are just the ramblings of a mad woman on a Monday Morning.

**

Saturation

**

OK - I believe I've reached the saturation point. FaceBook seems to have lost some of it's luster for me. Still peaking every now and then - but it's shimmer has definitely faded.

Back to life and back to blogging.

It's nice to be home again...,

**

Catch up...,

**

I've been spending so much time playing with my new software (CS4), taking pictures and then playing with those, FaceBooking and Tweeting, that I've neglected my blog. And, while the other things are fun, this has a permanence that will resonate long after all the rest have been forgotten.

So. It's time to catch up. I've got China to write about, summer fun our 10th anniversary, and soooo much more. Getting caught up is tough because life just keeps right on happening and won't slow down to wait for me.

Oh well, here goes.

I'm going to start with the present and work backward. I was going to start with China - but I've got 500+ photos to sort through!

**

My Little Girls

**
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you,
though you think you already know.
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

Your beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone.
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown.
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You!" in the moonlight at your door.
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Love You More!"

Your beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

Someday, some boy will come and ask for your hand.
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
that makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man.
I know he'll say that he's in love.
But between you and me. He won't be good enough!

Your beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.
**

Don't Blink

**
I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said "All I can say is."

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five
and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife

Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads
Next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

I was glued to my T.V.
when it looked like he looked at me and said
"Best start putting first things first."
Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth

So I've been tryin' ta slow it down
I've been tryin' ta take it in
In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're livin' in

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five
and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife

Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads
Next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

Naw, don't blink
Life Goes Faster Than You Think

~ Kenny Chesney ~

**

I hope you dance...,

**
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

**

I Hope You Dance lyrics (Lee Ann Rimes)

**

Division of Labor

**
I really would like to be all things to my children. I do, however realize that there are some things that Dave is simply better at than I am.

Example: School and homework.

I was the “OMG, will she ever make through high school?” girl. (Wow, were they all surprised when I put myself through college! OK. Blatant self-pat on the back, but my reputation is at stake. ☺)

And Dave was the high school valedictorian, with multiple college scholarships.

For me, homework was a chore at best, and punishment at worst! Hated it—saw very little long-term benefit and lots of short-term downside.

For Dave, it was just a natural consequence of life—something that you do. Period.

So, Dave has naturally fallen into the role of tutor. I watch him with Alex and am simultaneously proud and envious.

She is in this place of explosive growth—reading, writing, vocabulary, math—and I am so proud of her. I would so love to be the one to guide her along this critical path. But, I realize, this is not for me. Dave is much more naturally suited for this role. The pride I feel while watching the two of them is indescribable. The bond between the two of them is deep and profound.

A little girl and her daddy…., So simple, and conversely so complex. There is something in this that speaks to the very soul of me.

The bond between a mother and daughter is irreplaceable, but the relationship with her dad can set the course of future relationships (sans intense therapy). And, even if I get very little else ‘right’ while raising my girls, this one thing—the choice of their daddy—will take them the distance.

**

Children

**
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
**

Stay Focused

**

**

25 Things About Lil Ole Me..,

**

1. I am an optimistic, situational feminist.

2. Being a mom is the best thing I’ve ever done.

3. My husband does more than his share around the house, always has, and I think he’s starting to clue in.

4. I am a progressive liberal with non-traditional family values, though I value the family above all else.

5. I believe in healthy eating and exercise, though I can’t seem to bring myself to do either with any consistency.

6. Every day I get going with several cups of coffee. It’s decaf.

7. Often unaware of where my feet are, I’ve broken many toes—multiple times.

8. When I was younger I smoked clove (Djaram) cigarettes. I still love the way they smell.

9. I am happy.

10. I’m on friendly terms with everyone I’ve ever dated.

11. The first time I ever traveled by plane, I was a 21-year old on a two-month, solo trek through Europe.

12. I gave birth to two incredible, miracle children. One of whom is not genetically related to me—though I am her only mother.

13. My first real boyfriend was named “Fudge.”

14. I care what people think—though it doesn’t often change my actions.

15. I don’t think being low maintenance is a good thing.

16. Over the past 20 years I’ve come to realize it’s not the family you come from, but the family you create through friends, select relatives, spouses and children that carries you through.

17. I’m finally learning not to sweat the small stuff.

18. After the birth of my first child, I endured post-partum depression (PPD).

19. I love red skittles and taking long naps on weekend afternoons.

20. My mom, sister and I lived in a 25’x13’ trailer until I was 6 years old.

21. I have a keen appreciation for the social safety net.

22. I don’t believe that god is geographically limited. I think whatever religion we practice is, in large part, a function of where we are born and to whom we are born.

23. I want to learn Spanish, play the guitar, ride a horse and cook. Not necessarily in that order.

24. I believe that the person you chose to marry is the most important decision you will ever make.

25. My favorite word is “Banana.”

**

25 Things About Lil Ole Dave...,

**

**Thoughts by Dave Hart**

1. I'm not a big fan of introspection.

2. I am, however, an occasional smart ass.

3. I've written three books and didn't sell enough to cover the publisher's very modest advances. Before you ask, they are books about Macs, two of which predate Mac OS X, so they no longer have any useful information.

4. I worked three summers cleaning salmon in Alaska. I believe I have made more money heading and gutting fish than writing books. Now I'm sad.

5. These days, I have a job that I have difficulty explaining to innocent bystanders. My job title is TeraGrid Area Director of User-Facing Projects and Core Services. See? That didn't help at all, did it? Suffice it to say, I work hard to put your tax dollars to good use.

6. I would one day like to hike the Appalachian Trail, from Georgia to Maine.

7. I watch too much TV, but I can't seem to stop.

8. I've run two marathons and finished both times. I learned I'm definitely not Kenyan. Maybe I'll try again in a few years, but that's enough for now.

9. My younger daughter wants to be a unicorn when she grows up, and with advances in genetic engineering and stem cell research, who's to say she won't?

10. My older daughter was born on the same day that the Space Shuttle Columbia burned up on re-entry (Feb. 1, 2003).

11. I don't believe in omens.

12. I have bachelor's and master's degrees in computer science and I work at the San Diego Supercomputer Center. I was hired there as a writer.

13. I have virtually no interest in professional or collegiate sports. It's amazing how easy it is to find parking on Superbowl Sunday.

14. I like playing sports, though. I'm not a bad volleyball player, for a guy who's 5'8". In my youth, I competed in softball, swimming, and soccer.

15. I make terrific whole-wheat pancakes from scratch. Pretty good waffles, too.

16. I took piano all through grade school, taught by a teacher who managed to remove all joy from that activity. There was also a brief and hazily remembered clarinet period sometime before sixth grade. I still, inexplicably, have the clarinet.

17. I still have and used until last month, when it finally got a little too rusty from being stored with sweaty gym clothes, the original Masterlock combination lock I got as a freshman in high school (1981).

18. My 9-11 story: I was in San Diego, and my wife was on business travel at Comdex in Atlanta when the planes struck. She called. The best advice I have ever given: "Hang up and rent a car. Now." She and her co-workers drove home.

19. One day I hope to write a novel and have it published. So far, I've only done the former. For the latter, I surmise it would have to be a good novel.

20. I've hitchhiked in Alaska, England/Scotland, France, and Tahiti.

21. I need my coffee in the morning. Without it, by late afternoon, I exhibit all the classic symptoms of caffeine withdrawal: nausea, severe headaches, and being a whiny wuss.

22. I was paid $10 for my second short story to be published in an obscure, low-rent literary journal.

23. On my to-do list, I would like to travel and visit all seven continents. I would also like to work full-time as a freelance writer one day.

24. I am a cynical optimist.

25. My goal in my personal life is to be an excellent father and husband. I am grateful to the many men before me who have set the bar low and made this goal much easier to achieve.

**Thoughts by Dave Hart**

**

Something Special About Lil' Ray Ray

**

She walks a bit slower (we sometimes call her miss molasses), and has an attention span that is amazing for her age. She loves art, animals and her big sister.

But there is a little something extra about Rachel. She seems to have a real appreciation for nature and her surroundings. She wakes up and looks out her window, marveling at the sunrise, she calls us all into her room to look at the colors. She stops to examine leaves on trees, odd little plants, and flowers (usually she'll pick one or two as a gift for mommy).

It's different than the normal curiosity I've seen in other kids. She seems to really appreciate her surroundings and takes extra time to take it all in.

It sometimes drives me nuts because we're usually trying to be somewhere or get something done, but I love this about her. I wish I had a little bit more of that quality. I think we all miss sooo much hurrying from one thing to the next. Maybe we should all slow down a bit, and try to be a little bit more like Rachel.

**

Learning to Stand Up

**
Some of the values that we want to teach our girls are tolerance, diversity, and standing up for what you believe in. Stand up, don't sit back & assume someone else will take on the status quo to affect meaningful change.

Even if that change isn't about you personally - but rather about inequality and basic fairness.

Stand up for your neighbor - one day you may need someone to stand up for you.

A few weeks ago we taught by example and, along with 23,000 like minded San Diegans, joined the Walk for Equality. Promoting gay rights. Specifically the right to marry.


I was proud to be a part of this peaceful protest.

Proud to walk beside one of my best friends, who is denied the rights and recognition that I am able to take for granted.

She is no less deserving, her heart is no less caring, and her love is no less meaningful. Why am I granted rights that she is denied simply because I happen to be a woman who loves a man.

For the life of me, I just don't know why people care enough to stand in the way of others who want to create loving families with all the protection and recognition under the law that hetrosexuals have - and so often abuse.

?????????

**

SILENCE

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Socialists
and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Socialists

Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out -
because I was not a trade unionists.

Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak for me.

**