the next surgery

There is the dreaded probability that she'll need a second surgery to improve her hearing. Oh - I'm dreading this. The first surgery she went into with excitement for her ear piercing, without fear because she had no idea what to expect.

Missing the Pictures

**

OK, we've been in Colorado for a month now. The girls are getting settled into their new school and making new friends. Dave is getting settled into his new job, wrapping his head around the new challenges and differing personalities.

Dave is happy. Alex and Rachel's transition is moving along, though Rachel had a few struggles early on. I'm amazingly happy too, but I haven't picked up a camera seriously since we left California. I miss the view of the world through the lens, the challenge of manipulating the light and creating images of  multi-dimensional personalities in a two-dimensional medium.

It's time....,

**

Treasuring the ones you love...,

Normal day,

let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you,

love you,

bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass you by

in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may,

for it may not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,

or bury my face in the pillow,

or stretch myself taut,

or raise my hands to the sky and want,

more than all the world, your return.

~Mary Jean Iron

Progress??

Regrets and worries marked this first day of school for me
Trepidation and anxiety for Rachel
Nervous excitement for Alex

Rachel's new ear. It's supposed to be this wonderful thing - but I'm not sure it is. She was fine before. Her ear was this cute little nub. She couldn't hear out of it - but it didn't seem to bother her at all. We did what we thought was best - we got it fixed. Functionally and asthetically (in theory).

But now that the surgery is behind us - I'm not so sure. There has been more attention called to her ear after the surgery than before, and the jury is still out on her hearing. The new ear is far more noticeable than the 'missing' ear ever was. It's big, gooey looking from the ointment, and different colors. Other children stare and inquire. One little girl was actually pretty nasty about it - but Momma Bear set her straight pretty quickly.

But I won't always be with Rachel, to fend off the stares and comments. At her old school, she was pretty tough. Confident and secure, with lots of friends, Rachel was better able or better prepared to fend for her self and verbally knock down the nastiness. But in her new school, with no friends, she's unsure and alone and scared. Her confidence is lacking and it makes her so vulnerable.

I fended off the comments and stares as well as I could this morning. I saw little Lennon staring intently at Lil' Ray's new ear, and true to form, I addressed it head on. "That's her new ear," I said. "Isn't it cool. The doctors gave her a new ear from the inside out - Cool, huh?"

"What happened to her other ear?" Lennon asked, as other kids started listening and looking.

"She was born without one," I explained. "and the doctors had to make a new one - from the ear drum out. And she got her ears pierced too."

Lennon continued to stare. Not quite sure what to make of it. "I think it's cute," one of the little girls said. "Cool!" said one of the boys.

After a few more sentences, Rachel pulled me close and, with a sad little look on her face said, "Momma, I don't want you to tell every one."

"OK, babe. I'm sorry. But you DO have the coolest ear in the school!"

"I know momma, but I just don't want you to tell everyone."

*sigh*

Rachel's my kid who doesn't like being the center of attention - good or bad. She's the kid who develops a few solid friendships, with many at the periphery - but a few loyal, close friends. She's smart and generous, but seems to draw her outward confidence and security from those relationships. (Oh little Corinnie! Where are you?!? Today would have been so different had we stayed in Poway :-(  )

I'm hopeful that the end of today will bring smiles and the beginnings of new friendships.

**

McClendon Maternity Portraits

Knock - Knock...,

**

Rachel's first joke...,

"Momma?"

"Yes, hun?"

"Why did the TV cross the road?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Because it wanted to be a flat screen!"

BWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!!

**

My kids ROCK!!

**

Today for no reason at all, my kids served me breakfast in bed w/ oatmeal, cinnamon toast and coffee. AWESOME!!!!

**

Another chapter...,

**

Still Woman, Wife, Mom, but combining all the life that I want to live with my husband, children and friends doesn't really leave much time for a full scale, traditional career. Or so I've learned these past three years. So, here I go, once again into an unknown landscape. This time as an aspiring photographer, full time WWM, and fulfillment seeker.

I'm in this great place - free to pursue my love of photography and available to be present in my daily relationships outside of an office. It's such a great gift. The gift of time, and the freedom to to what *I* want to with it.

As we head off to Boulder, I imagine trying on several different hats before I find one that's feels almost molded for my head. One that fits snugly enough as to not be blown off w/ a strong wind, but not so tight that it pinches by head. The perfect hat, snug and warm on cool days, cool on hot days. One that I can take off from time to time, and, after a long-ish absence, it will fit just as perfectly as the day I took it off.

The beauty is, there is no rush. I'm going to resist the urge to immediately find my path and settle in. I'm going to take my time and enjoy each day-remembering to be present and in the moment.

I imagine trying to cook, volunteering in the kids school, volunteering with people in need, using my photography in a charitable way, studying photography and light, trying my hand at meditation, trying my hand in the kitchen, mucking stalls and spending time with horses, and so much more.....,

I'm open to all possibilities. I'm excited and apprehensive about leaving the safety of the prescribed life. Uprooting the family, away from the land of the sun to snowy Colorado..., It's ALL new - except for the most important constants in my life - Dave, Rachel and Alex.

**

struggles

**
Maybe I'm alone in this - but I can't seem to come to grips with the fact that my friend is a husband stealer and that my other friend is the husband she has stolen. Yes, they are both culpable - but somehow she is more the guilty party. Her marriage was already over, and his had hit a rough spot - though not necessarily fatal, until the affair that is.

Hmmm. Why has this upset me so? I think it's because it seems that all around me marriages are crumbling. As often as not because of cheating - but for other reasons too. Noted that people in good marriages don't typically cheat - but the cheating quickly douses most if not all hopes of saving the marriage.

Are all marriages doomed to suffer this fate - and if so, why does anyone get married? How can I insulate my own marriage from this fate?

I think that's the crux of my emotional reaction. That I too will someday find myself facing this gut-wrenching pain. A pain that I don't think De Anna is feeling. She has by-passed the pain by having an affair - grabbing someone else's husband to hang onto - one that will cushion the blow.

It's unforgiveable.

Days go by...,

**

We're just a few days away from Rachel's surgery. The stress and worry that I've anticipated for years hasn't hit. I'm interested in the ease at which we're pursuing this course of action. I'm fascinated by my own lack of fear and fret. We've put her in the best possible hands and couldn't have done better for her. I believe this will go well and we have tremendous support.


Somewhere down there is the fear - but I'm working hard not to give energy and power to that little echo in the distance.

**